Page 202 - Three Truths - Trillion Doubts - Volume -II

It is said that we can wake up a person who is asleep but no one can wake up a person who pretends to be sleeping. Apply it mutatis mutandis to sadhana and you get your answer. While the lapses are well understood by you, there is however a great ego in you that makes you think you are fit to have his blessings. This type of subtle ego needs to be curbed and hard work has to be put in.
3. During Morning meditation, was disturbed about a thought of helping somebody. After meditation, on analysis, figured out that it was my egoistic feeling that I can do something.
Doing help is not egoism. Thinking that we can do help when in fact we cannot is egoism. How can helping be a disturbing thought? True it is out of place in meditation; but that is not what you are writing. Your sentence smacks of egotistic tendency; try to know all that is, is His.
4. Sometimes had thoughts of some past deeds of relatives. When I contemplated I felt deep down, I still feel angry, for them not being truthful. I felt that there’s a block in me that feels like fighting back and not accept everyone as they are.
All these feelings are not blocks in the sense the Westerns understand. They are the characteristics of the Ego which have a tendency to stick always.
5. On the day of the sitting, when I attend to my purification, the practice is quite different and feeling of lightness way more than on regular days.
There appears to be some excitement and desire for excitement too. Cleaning is one of my routine works and I am happy with the work. Though it must be said that good notions too are rust. Efficiency in work is good but the awareness of its being efficient is one of the problems of the ego. The path in the higher regions is rather steep and every care is required on the part of the trainer as well as the aspirant and that is fortunately so in our case.
6. Now a days, at times I have become quite peevish in behavior. I make determination not to react but I fail, as most of the reactions are spontaneous. In retrospect I feel I have over reacted, over involved in unnecessary matters and have developed a very critical outlook. I have reported some of the things to you during my last sitting and since then I feel much better.