Page 220 - Three Truths - Trillion Doubts - Volume -II

suffocated. During these times try to remember the Master and submit to Him all my feelings and thoughts. Again this thought that He is with me gives a lot of relief.
Excuses are aplenty for not performing the minimum practices prescribed in the system. Everyone has the same problems but in different proportions. Self pity is a great luxury; we cannot afford that. Please practice - regular and routine or otherwise.
3. Once felt many thoughts were passing by, the thoughts I remember were of school days, difficulty encountered in going in buses as a 6-7 year old child, of the days when I did not study well.
It shows that you have not left the habit of self pity-that is first luxury a sadhaka has to be rid off.
4. After meditation, was lying down, saw myself going down very deep and then climbing up steps, some kids were coming behind me.
This indicates self pity which is not very good. Count the blessings rather than the deficiencies.
5. Now I understand that the feeling of reassurance of Master is not a mental condition but a state of surrender but this seems to be so difficult with so much of ego and with so much of defiant attitude. I feel ashamed with these inner feelings and that is the turmoil I am undergoing at present where there is anger, indignation, questioning attitude, non-subservience. In some situations or incidents triggered either at office or otherwise there is a continuous feeling of simmering rage and a fiery temperament as if there is a volcano inside. Though balance does not get disturbed but it is a quite heavy feeling. Feeling of subduedness and humility are found wanting. I place this before you with great agony and pain.
All this is self – pity and not doing your sadhana as you should yielding to the Master. Expectations and prejudice governs your thinking and you are partially aware them. But instead of girding up your loins you want to lean on others which includes the Master to pacify yourself-self deception. Coming out of this laziness and like a warrior work for the cause of the Master.
6. I am reacting to others who I feel are exploiting me for their selfish ends